Saturday, August 1, 2009

Ruining Breakfast

Originally Posted 10-13-08

Since Joey and Chandler love to eat Cap'n Crunch and its rival, Love That Crunch, so much, I figured for this commercial break, I'd look into a Cap'n Crunch commercial from the '80s.

During the '80s, Cap'n Crunch's mortal enemy were the Soggies. I never quite understood the Soggies. I used to think that the point of the characters was to demonize milk, which is an odd position for a cereal commercial to take. That's like a peanut butter commercial running a smear campaign against jelly. Being the independently minded child I was, I ignored this, and still put milk on my cereal.

I realize, now, as an adult that the Soggies weren't necessarily milk. They were just a race of people who made things soggy. They wanted to make cereal soggy. I don't know if it was their job, or if it was just a hobby. Maybe Cap'n Crunch killed their parents. None of this is ever explained. Either way, a life mission of making cereal soggy seems to me like a dreary existence.

What made their job harder was the fact that Cap'n Crunch cereal had "Crunch Power," a solid coating of high fructose corn syrup that was impenetrable by milk or Soggies, who were maybe made of milk? I'm still unclear on that.

Except I used to eat Cap'n Crunch a lot. Yeah, the first half of the bowl was able to maintain enough crunch to scratch of the roof of your mouth, but as you get towards the bottom of the bowl, the cereal loses its crunch. The last spoonfuls are downright soggy.

I don't know, maybe it was because I was a slow eater.

I was hoping by viewing a commercial from the time, I would be able to answer some questions, but now I only have more questions.

First off, it appears that the Soggies—Sydney, with the hat, and Snyder—take orders from a robot that is able to shoot milk from its finger. Who built this robot? Clearly there's a sentient being or beings out there who wants things made soggy so much that they built a robot to battle crunchiness. It wouldn't make sense that it would be the Soggies. Why build a robot that would in turn boss you around.

It seems that this robot was built specifically for middle management, which would be a complete waste of resources. If you're going to build a robot, you should have it do the grunt work. It doesn't feel pain, it doesn't question what's morally right or wrong, and it doesn't have family members waiting for them at home.

Instead, Sogmaster was programmed to send mortals a fraction its size to fight the war on nonsogginess.

The Soggies are sent out to break into a house with a Sogging Kit where a child is about to enjoy breakfast. I'm not sure why they need a Sogging Kit. If you notice, one of The Soggies was able to make a tree soggy just by leaning on it. If you can make a tree soggy by touching it, then your Sogging Kit is probably unnecessary, not to mention soggy.

Even more unnecessary is the main item in the Sogging Kit, a hose with a funnel on one end. The Soggie dives into the hose, out the other end and then continues through the window. Why not just jump through the window?

Luckily, Cap'n Crunch swings in on a rope—apparently, this boy's family deems it necessary to have a rope tied to the center of their kitchen ceiling—to battle the Soggie. Does the Cap'n have some sort of ability to sense crunch in danger, or did he just happen to be in the right place at the right time, and was able to break into this boy's house?

Why are The Soggies afraid of this elderly man? Crunch Power or not, it's two against one. They could take the Cap'n.

If not them, then the Sogmaster could come back, kill the Cap'n and the boy without any problem, and make this bowl of cereal soggy without any intervention.

But then what? Then that's one bowl of cereal soggy, there's a whole world out there of unsoggy cereal.

Whoever is on top of this corporation or organization that is fighting its war on breakfast is going about this the wrong way. Instead of wasting capital on building and programming a robot that hires two inept underlings, that money should be used for lobbyists. Get in the pockets of some influential members of Congress, and they'll pass legislation limiting Crunch Power. They'll eventually "make breakfast a mess" for the entire country. Even better, the changes would be so gradual that the general public wouldn't even realize the changes for at least a decade. And by that time, the problem will be too costly to fix.

Meanwhile, they will be filthy rich.

If they still wanted to, they could still build a robot. Only this time, its fingers wouldn't secrete milk and it wouldn't have to go through the hiring process. It could just be devoted to killing Cap'n Crunch, and if they still have bloodlust, countless children.

1 comment:

Leslie said...

OH good lord, this was my favorite commercial break!!!