Saturday, August 1, 2009

Helpful Tips for Dealing With Wildlife

Originally Posted 6-8-08

What do you do when you see a crocodile?

Light Internet research will tell you that you should avoid any place that may have alligators or crocodiles. However, shit has a tendency to happen, and sometimes the best intentions...mice and know, whatever that saying is.

The first step is to run away from the water. The top land speed for a croc is 10 mph, and they won't run far away from water unless there's danger. They're not going to chase after someone.

However, crocs rely on surprise, and if it is able to get a jump on you and attack, all is not lost. Fight back. Go for the eyes.

That makes sense. Imagine a scenario where you're about to eat a cheeseburger. You're about to take the first bite, and the cheeseburger reaches out and pokes you in the eye. "Ow," first of all; second of all, suddenly you don't want that cheeseburger anymore.

Failing that, go for the ears or the nostrils. It's not as effective as the eyes, but it's still unpleasant for the attacker.

If you can't do any of this because your arm is already in the croc's mouth, then punch the back of the throat. There's a valve back there that keeps water from going down the croc's throat, which may cause it to release you. This may end up being the last action this arm does before it gets severed from the rest of your body, but I think it's a noble enough sacrifice.

This page I'm reading from tells you to seek medical attention, which you would think would be a no-brainer. You would think anyone with the savoir-faire to survive a crocodile attack would also know that medical attention after said attack would probably be good.

I offer this public service announcement, not because anyone I know has become a victim of a crocodile attack. I'm just concerned that my generation may have gotten some bad information in the early '90s.

They got the first step right. Run. Assuming you've effectively avoided the crocodile, running is the only thing to do.

I couldn't find any Web site that suggested following the running with sliding. In fact, the last thing you want to do is get on the ground in a position that would keep you from running. It's unlikely that the croc will catch up to you, but you really don't want to take any chances. I can't stress that enough.

Hitting the bump is simply unnecessary, and I highly doubt that if you've just had a close brush with a crocodile, you'd want to go through a hoop with a plastic curtain with a cartoon crocodile on it into a shallow pool of water. Let's be honest, no one can see what's behind the curtain, there could be another crocodile in the pool.

Seriously, if you see a crocodile, just completely forgo the Crocodile Mile. In fact, leave the Crocodile Mile there. Yes, when it's set up in your backyard, it's a fun way to get high-fives from your friends...unless you're a girl

She's not even expecting a high-five here. High-five snubbery is a simple reality in her world. You wonder why she keeps getting invited, but then you wonder why she keeps coming.

If you were to set up your Crocodile Mile in the vicinity of an actual crocodile, just run and leave the Crocodile Mile. Really, the Crocodile Mile isn't worth saving. You know that eventually you're going to invite someone who doesn't take his or her watch off before he uses it, and that person will surely leave a tear in your glorified Slip N Slide.

I also take issue with them calling the bump a "Boomerang Bump." You would think that a boomerang bump would just turn you around and return you to where you started. Unless, of course, these people were just looking for some Australian thing to put in there to make it seem authentic.

"Well, of course it's really Australian. It mentions a boomerang."

The first lines spoken by the stereotypically sounding Australian voice-over is "G'day mate," so maybe they're trying to hook any residual Australiophiles who still missed Jacko.

"Oi, indeed!"

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