Our First Commercial Break

Originally Posted 4-16-08

So, that was the first season. I’m not quite sure what I got myself into here. If this goes like every other thing I do, I’ll eventually get tired of doing this, and I’ll stop. However, I feel like I should finish something in a life. It’s a shane that this is the thing I decide to take a stand on. Besides, the rest of the series is in my Netflix queue. It's not like I can just quit. I’m going to have to go in and delete the remaining discs from my queue. That isn’t a difficult task, but it would be admitting an unwillingness to finish what was once started. That said, I did put a few non-Friends discs in between Season 1 and Season 2. I’m far too lazy to remove nine seasons form my Netflix queue, so I will be back to doing this in a week or so.

So, working under the assumption that I do, in fact, finish this, I came to the realization that this project may, at some point, “Jump the Shark.” It happens that the writing just isn’t fresh and I’ll run out of things to say. In the world of sitcoms, new writers could be brought it or someone could inject an interesting curve to the story, like “suddenly I’m pregnant” or “twin separated at birth.” Being pregnant and/or learning that I have a twin are all very unlikely. It would also have no bearing on this blog. So when I do jump the shark, there will be no gimmick to save me or to push me further down.

Anyway, I’d like to keep this project fresh for the entire run of the series, but I don’t know if I can pull that off. Jumping the shark is a near inevitability. I wonder when I will jump the shark. I wondered if it would jump the shark at around the time when the actual show did. That would be a neat coincidence. So, I went to jumptheshark.com to see when general “People who take part in Internet voting” public believed the show to jump. In an overwhelming lead is “Never,” which is what I’m aiming for with this.

In third place is “Day One,” which I hope isn’t true.

Second is when Monica and Chandler got married. So, if I can keep this going as an interesting thing beyond that, then I’ll feel good.

Anyway, I should be getting my next Friends disc next Monday, so the lunacy shall resume next week.

In the meantime, what better to insert between posts about a TV show? A post about a commercial.

Check out this commercial I found.

It’s a British commercial—or should I say “advert”—for Colgate. The jingle is to the theme of a Madness song Baggy Trousers, and they’re all dressed and dancing like Madness as well. At least I think they dressed like that for one of their videos. If not, that I’m somehow left with the idea that they did.

I’m not sure why this blows my mind as much as it does.

While I like Madness, I never pictured them being so popular—especially with the kids—that they would use their music and style for a children's toothpaste commercial.

I’d have to say, it’s done pretty well. I like the tall kid who does the neck thing whenever he can fit it in. I'm curious as to why they keep doing the walk a good 7 seconds after the music ends

Then I started to consider that maybe they really were insanely popular in Britain, so much that they even appealed to kids so much that attaching their music to a toothpaste commercial would seem like a viable marketing option.

Then I found this.

This seems like it’s an American spin to a British idea. I can tell that that’s what this is because:

1) Usually when we take something from the Brits, our version is far more inferior. The one exception to this is The Office, which can hold a candle to its predecessor.
2) The American Dental Association’s Seal on the lower left-hand corner in the beginning. The other had no such seal. One could make the joke that Britain has no counterpart to the American Dental Association, but that would be a low blow.
3) For what seems to be no real reason, Uncle Sam is there.
4) The voiceover at the end has an American accent.

This commercial blows my mind, but in a way completely opposite to the British version. I cannot figure out what Colgate-Palmolive was thinking when it greenlit this idea.

They’re cashing in on the popularity of Madness, only I don’t think they were nearly as big this side of "the pond." Still, the Madness music is there, being sung in a British accent. The words are different, because they have to make reference to Maximum Fluoride Protection, or “MFP.” This leads me to believe that American consumers are dumber than British ones. The British commercial doesn’t feel the need to make up some term to make it sound like it’s that much better or different than anything else on the shelf.

Really, what the hell is "Maximum Fluoride Protection?" There's no way that's an actual thing that exists.

Since the words aren’t the same, it makes me wonder why they didn’t just take a song that was wildly popular in the U.S., and make stupid lyrics to that.

I'm guessing that "they" already bought the rights to that song and didn't really have the budget for another song. So, they decided to use the same song in the U.S., even though the American version wouldn't really make that much sense.

Sophomore Season

Originally Posted 4-27-08

The summer of 1995 was a crazy, crazy time.

“Did you hear Ben & Jerry’s have a new flavor coming out? Bury Jerry,” becomes a joke when Grateful Dead frontman dies of what doctors call “53 years of being Jerry Garcia.”

Windows 95 debuts, popularizing Minesweeper.

In a stunning display of democracy, people elect blue to be the new M&M color, to replace the deposed tan candy. That election was a crock. It's not as if we were able to vote to keep tan. Tan never announced he was stepping down, nor was he beholden to any term limits. He was thrown out of office. That's called a coup, and Americans not only sat back and watched it happen, they took part in the process. I hope you're happy, c. 1995 America.

The DVD format is formally announced, paving the way for Netflix and this blog.

The Rembrandts enjoy their 15 minutes of fame with the popularity of I’ll Be There For You, the theme from Friends. Then the public decided that they didn’t really need to hear another verse, a repeat of the chorus, a bridge, and a final repeat of the chorus.

While we, in the real world, lived through a months-long summer, the Friends’ summer lasted exactly as much time it takes Rachel to go from the Village, to JFK airport to pick Ross up, and back. This was, theoretically, a matter of hours. One of these hours probably isn’t the same length of time as a regular hour that you or me are used to. While Rachel was gone, her apartment entered a weird time vortex that only Einstein himself could adequately explain.

During this time, Phoebe took it upon herself to give Joey and Chandler haircuts.

Season One ends with no mention of Phoebe about to give haircuts. Usually, getting a haircut is much ado. You’ve been planning on getting it done for a few weeks before you finally get one. There’s mental preparation. I find it hard to believe that this was a strict action of impulse. And Monica would have been present for some of the pre-haircut discussion or at least one of the haircuts, and wouldn’t have offered the odd surprise, “Hey, guys, Phoebe gave you a haircut!” Unless, in this time, she ran off to inexplicably get a new phone.

I’m not saying that we need to know when they get a new phone. What I am saying is that she seems to have gotten it in the few hours when her brother was being picked up from the airport.

And maybe she’s behind the new foosball table in Joey and Chandler’s apartment.

It’s either that, or the Foosball Table Fairy, who I’ve always assumed was fictional, visited them. Maybe that’s how that particular fairy works. Kind of like the Tooth Fairy gives you cold hard cash for teeth, this fairy leaves foosball tables for impulsive haircuts. Well, no, that would make it an Impulsive Haircut Fairy.

The microwave isn’t new. It’s just huge. I don’t remember microwaves being that big. Maybe they got this model for when they nuke a whole turkey.

I don’t understand Central Perk at all. The small sign on the table (lower right hand corner) shows that they go so far as to reserve this area for whenever the any or all of the Friends are there. How do they stay in business?

I don’t like how there’s no continuity with Joey’s job. We know he’s a struggling actor and that he needs to pay the bills. He needs a day job, which was never established. Here he is as a cologne sprayer. Apparently, that’s what he does. Who knew?

And what’s up with Rachel’s skirt cape? Was this ever in style?

Overalls were. I remember. Even overall shorts were in style. Those aren’t just regular shorts. They’re cut-offs. I used to think girls looked cute in overalls, too. Wow, what the hell, right?

Oversized T-shirt, tucked into jeans without a belt. I’m pretty sure I had done that, when I needed to look nice, but not too nice. No belt, though? I’m pretty sure when I did that, I wore one of those braided leather belts. As for the oversized T-shirts, all of my shirts were slightly oversized. I never thought twice about it.

By the way, if you notice, Ross is using the old phone. What the hell is going on in that apartment?

I found the partially obscured poster bearing New York Governor Mario Cuomo’s name interesting. It doesn’t look like it’s a campaign poster. It doesn’t say “Vote for…” Maybe it’s because it was 1995, a year after his last election. The purpose of the poster was to just remind New Yorkers of him, since he was no longer governor at that time. Only some scoundrel covered part of the poster, no people pass it and say, “Who the hell is Mario Cuo?”

I found the window decorations of this music store funny and very 1995. Alanis Morisette, Seal, and behind Joey is Belly. Seems silly to go through the trouble of making that a music store, since they never go into or mention the music store. Unless, of course, it was actually a music store, and not some set, in which case it does make sense. People needed to get the Batman Forever soundtrack somewhere.

“Hey, I was an extra on Friends once.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. I had my back to the camera the whole time, but I was sitting behind Monica in a restaurant scene.”
“Oh, you were the guy with the flattop?”
(uncomfortably long pause) “No. I was in another episode.”
“Which one.”
“Can we change the subject?”

Ross, Monica, and Chandler go to a concert. Who did they see? Mind you, it’s 1995.
Yep, Hootie and the Blowfish. They all got tickets to see them for Ross’s birthday, and his reaction wasn't, “Oh, God! Why?!”

Unfortunately, I don’t have the capability (knowledgewise) to capture parts of video, but it seems as if they opened AND closed with I Go Blind, which, I find, was actually a cover. They opened and closed with the same cover? It's not like these guys didn't have another hit. That seems a little sad. I doubt even The Rembrandts wouldn't do something like that.

I don’t like it when shows do this. They have a guest actor, and then the same actor comes back later as another character. Here’s Giovanni Ribisi, not playing Phoebe’s brother (I think. I’m not up to that part yet, but it’s something like that. He may be a half-brother.) I think when Ribisi comes back, someone should say “Hey, you look like that guy who left a condom in Phoebe's guitar case and then came back to get it back. That was a pretty memorable as it was a mildly odd occurance. If you were just some guy we saw on the street, I wouldn't have thought twice about it. But no, you're 'the condom' guy."

Here’s Chrissie Hynde of The Pretenders performing Angel in the Morning at Central Perk. I can’t hear that song without drifting into Shaggy’s version.

You’re my angel in the morning, baby.
Closer to my peeps you are to me.

This is a shame, because those lyrics are ridiculous. “Closer to my peeps you are to me?” What the hell does that even mean?

Wait a minute, why is Chrissie Hynde playing at Central Perk?

Oh, crap, we’re in sweeps, aren’t we?

Yep, we’re in sweeps. Here’s Lea Thompson as Caroline Duffy from yet another Thursday night NBC show, Caroline in the City. Strangely enough, no one says her name, so we’re left to assume that it is, in fact, her. Why else would Joey and Chandler run into someone in the street in November unless their show was on Thursday night.

According to IMDb, the night this episode aired, Chandler appeared on her show, and Ross appeared on The Single Guy. I can’t imagine this crap flying now. Liz Lemon would not be visited by a Dunder-Mifflin sales rep from Scranton, Pennsylvania.

This is probably the coolest clock ever. Although, we later learn that on every hour, the hips swivel, and the doll says, "Oh yeah!"

I'm sorry, but you lost me there. That's kind of an overkill.

After Gorging Yourself on Guacamole

Originally Posted 5-4-08

Super Bowls and M*A*S*H finales are good at bringing in the big numbers, viewers-wise. Of course, Super Bowls come every year and the M*A*S*H finale only happened once. That is, unless you count the final episode of AfterMASH, which you shouldn’t.

A lot of times, networks use the time slot immediately following the Super Bowl to push new shows. Shows like Malcolm in the Middle, The Wonder Years, Davis Rules, and The A-Team had all premiered directly after the Super Bowl and gone on to highly successful runs—except for Davis Rules, which kind of disappeared after a few years. That show featured Mary Jo Hupp and Giovanni Ribisi, who we'll see on Friends later.

If a network has no new series that can be deemed post-Super Bowlworthy, then it pushes their strongest show to get people to watch it. I reference the only episode of Grey’s Anatomy that I have ever seen; the first of a two-parter.

In 1996, NBC followed its telecast of Super Bowl XXX with an hourlong episode of Friends. Not just any hourlong episode of Friends, but one that is swimming with major celebrity guest stars.

Julia Roberts, Chris Isaak, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Brooke Shields—all of whom kiss at least a Friend each. In fact, each Friend gets some high-profile action, except for Ross, who is reunited with Marcel.

I don’t know, if I were Ross, I’d rather make out with a celebrity, except the only star who was actually playing a star was Jean-Claude Van Damme. This is because it’s not wise to stretch the acting mettle of Van Damme beyond playing “Jean-Claude Van Damme,” or “guy standing in the small crowd,” which he masterfully played in Breakin’.

If it weren't for Haing. S Ngor (The Killing Fields), Adolph Caesar (A Soldier's Story), Ralph Richardson (Greystroke: The Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Apes), John Malkovich (Places in the Heart), Pat Morita (The Karate Kid) and a few others, that Oscar nod would have been his.

I should also note that it would be quite the wicked game to refer to Chris Isaak as a “major celebrity star,” but he got the major celebrity star treatment, like the other three in this episode. That is to say that his name was in the credits in the beginning, and he got to get all kissy on Phoebe (in a library, in front of a roomful of children…inappropriate, guys), only for him to disappear without there being a clear established end of the relationship.

In addition to the big stars, are your everyday normal Friends guest stars, like Fred Willard and Dan Castellaneta, playing employees to the zoo where Marcel lived temporarily.

There was also, that kid. You know. The real-life brother of the Sister Sister sisters. Only, this probably wasn’t a “Let’s get him, he’s a star,” deals. It was more like, “We need a kid. Hey, he’s a kid,” things.

In this episode Canadian Triples date took place. Canadian Triples isn’t really a term that exists. Canadian Doubles is what they call it in tennis when two people play against one. A double date, obviously, is when two couples gather for a date. A Canadian Triples date is when there are five people on one date. I mean, what else do you call it when Chandler, Julia Roberts, Joey, Brooke Shields, and Ross are on a date…besides outwardly ridiculous and ripe for comedy?

I find it interesting that in an episode that featured Marcel the monkey, a Canadian Triples date was taking place at a restaurant called Marcel’s.

They probably put that in there for the people who really pay attention. That's probably a waste of energy on their part. I don't feel like I should be rewarded for my attention to detail by means of an in-joke like that.

There were some more momentous events in these episodes. It wasn’t just Candace Gingrich, the half-sister of Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, officiating what was probably prime time television’s first same-sex union ceremony.

Gunther has his first line. I didn’t think to record his debut utterance, but it was literally one line. He has yet to be referred to again, nor has he spoken. He is still dutiful in his serving. He is often engaged in inaudible conversation with patrons, surely describing the Jamaican Blend or the Kenyan…Blend.

Getting back to Carol & Susan’s wedding, when it was announced that they were getting married, the actors had to hold for a good 5-10 seconds for laughter. Grow up, audience members.

So, Ross and Rachel finally kiss. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who cares?

The important thing?

Rachel’s eating friggin’ Mallomars! Mallomars are definitely the thing that I never thought I’d miss from the East Coast that I find I miss. Most other foods, I knew I was going to miss. Mallomars? I want some now. Sadly, even on the East Coast, they’re “off season.” You can only get them in the fall and winter, because the chocolate and marshmallow doesn’t travel well in the summer. Since it doesn’t travel well in general, it’s hard to get them when you’re on on the East Coast, which I must say is saddening.

This art hanging in Monica’s short-time boss—played by Michael McKean—is a little beyond creepy. Very Yellow Submarine, but creepy. As is, what is this a cookie jar?

Yeah, why would you bring such evil into your kitchenette?

Actually, what caught my attention here was the NYNEX phone book. NYNEX was a telephone company in the northeast for a short period of time. Here’s how this went down, as far as I understand it. So, we had AT&T that was everywhere. Then the Justice Department was like, “Uhh, Sherman Anti-Trust Act,” so AT&T had to break up. We had New York Telephone, which was known as a “Baby Bell,” or one of the many smaller companies that were the result of the breakup. Then NYNEX came about after New York Telephone combined forces with a company or two. NYNEX was New York and New England (the ‘x’ was for seXy). Then that got eaten up to become Bell Atlantic. That covered everything from Maine to South Carolina. That gave way to Verizon, which is everywhere. Way to stick to your guns in enforcing the Sherman Anti-Trust Act, guys.

Here’s Ross, using his home phone, which looks to be second-hand from Monica and Rachel. Why would Ross, a paleontologist, need to take his sister’s used phone? He’s a lot better off than the waitress and the unemployed chef he got the phone from. If anything, he should be given them his phone.

This is interesting. I believe it’s the first time a cell phone is seen on the show. Rachel borrows it from some guy at a restaurant. I was expecting it to look more comically outdated. Comically outdated like Chandler’s laptop computer.

They couldn’t just leave it at Chandler saying, “Hey look, I’ve got a computer!” No, they had to go into outdated specifics. It’s got a 28.8K bps modem, 50 megabytes of memory AND spreadsheet capabilities. Spreadsheet capabilities? Even at this point, Excel had been coming bundled with Microsoft Office for a couple of years. Personally, I’d be more apt to mention FreeCell before I mention something vague like “spreadsheet capabilities.” I guess it’s what you’d expect from a guy who dresses like this.

In other “fashion” news, I’ve entered Ross’s ‘George McFly’ period.

Other notable guest stars (not after the Super Bowl) was Phoebe’s grandmother played by Audra Lindley.

Better known as Mrs. Roper from Three’s Company. Call me crazy, but I prefer Mr. and Mrs. Roper over Mr. Furley. Always have.

Another notable guest star was David Schwimmer with chin putty.

WHA?

Oh, the split-screen hilariousness continues as Ross is confronted with Russ, a guy that Rachel dates on the rebound from Ross. However, Schwimmer doesn’t give himself credit.

And I leave you with this gross image.

Chandler is lured into a men’s room stall for what he believes will be a quickie. It’s not the fact that they’re about to have sex in a bathroom stall that icks me out.The woman Chandler is with—played by Julia Roberts—is barefoot in a men’s room stall. Don’t get me wrong; I love being barefoot. I go barefoot whenever I can. Public bathrooms are an across the boards NO! I don’t care how clean it looks.

I don't think I'd want to have a quickie with someone who goes barefoot in a public restroom. If she has this much disregard for keeping her feet germ free, what about other body parts?

Also, what if shit does happen and nine months later there's a baby. There's a chance that my kid would have the gene that makes it not care about being barefoot in a public bathroom. I don't know what the chances are for that, I'd have to do a Punnett Square. It would definitely be predisposed to want quickies in restroom stall, and I'm a little uncomfortable with that.

Ross & Rachel Angers the Gods

Originally Posted 5-7-08

The New York skies have gone blood red with anger. ANGER!

Why would the gods be so P.O.ed that they would turn gotham’s heavens to such a hue?

It may be because of the Ross and Rachel tryst. Not just because they’re doing it all of the time, but because the fact that they’re doing it inappropriately. Here they are, about to do it at Hayden Planetarium. Hey, don’t get me wrong. If you have access to a planetarium after-hours, I’m all for using it however you’d like. I can see the benefits of being able to boast that you’ve done it in a planetarium.

However, after the planetarium, Ross and Rachel—or Rochel, if they were a modern-day celebrity couple—take the party to the Australopithecus display.

Again, that’s fine. Except they wake up the next morning to find themselves, naked, under a fur being ogled by Catholic schoolchildren.

How does Ross manage to keep his job after befouling the Australopithecus display that he was called in to fix? The inappropriateness doesn’t end there.

Rachel serves Monica a coffee, and then sits on Ross’s lap. Why hasn't Central Perk fired her yet and how does this business stay open?

I’m pretty sure Rachel isn’t working here, but this is still a really weird thing to do in public. This is a full on snuggle, with a leg across the others’ lap. Is Ross sleeping? What the hell? They’re not only in public, but they’re in the place where Rachel works. Consider going to your workplace with your significant other, and getting in this position in clear view of everyone. That’s weird.

They’re not just about making strangers and co-workers feeling uncomfortable. A bunch of them were hanging out in the kitchen when Ross enters.

Very little is said before the two of them literally rush into Rachel’s bedroom, in front of everyone, clear as day that they’re about to do it. Ross doesn’t even take his coat off when he enters the apartment.

I’m not trying to come off as puritanical here, but they need to be more polite. Ross needs to take his coat off, sit down, and chat with everyone. Then, after five minutes or so, Rachel says something like, “Oh Ross, I wanted to show you that thing I was telling you about.” "Oh right," he would answer. "That thing." Then they have an excuse to leave and go into Rachel’s room. Then they could do it like bunnies. Yes, everyone still knows what they will be doing in there, but this way seems more polite.

Monica and Rachel have an interesting household agreement. Communal condoms.

Kind of like how my roommate and I share the milk. It’s there in the fridge for whenever we need it, and we depend on the honor system in terms of whose turn is to replace it. It’s not a perfect system, but I don't think there is a such a thing with this.

I’ve never done this with condoms with a roommate, mainly because I don’t need to know how much and when my roommate is having sex. I also don’t like this because I don’t need any of my roommates to know how much sex I’m having, and I assume no one wants to know anyway. I am in favor of before the fact condom-lending, but that’s different.

Besides the privacy issue, if you have a communal condom system, then you have to keep the condoms in a communal area. In this instance, they keep their condoms in the bathroom, which means one has to leave the bedroom to go to the bathroom, which means throwing clothes on and hoping no one is in the living room or taking a shower. This all seems very inconvenient.

At this point, the show is able to afford some names for multi-episode characters—ya know, characters with arcs. Not exactly reoccurring characters, because they show up at random times, but characters who show up for a few episodes and then disappear. What’s the name for that? Anyway, Adam Goldberg shows up as Chandler’s roommate when Joey moves out temporarily. At the time, Goldberg had been around for a while. Most notably, he was Mike in Dazed & Confused, the character who coins the phrase “neo-McCarthyism.” "Neo-McCarthyism," Anthony Rapp's character repeats to himself. "I like that."

In looking at his filmography, he had an arc on Joey as well, playing a different character. Yeah, I don’t approve. It’s still the Friends universe. You would think Joey would recognize him as the guy who lived with Chandler.

The show was also able to rope in Tom Selleck to play Monica’s boyfriend, who is also her father’s friend. I guess this is impressive.

So to review, Monica is dating her father’s friend, and Ross is dating Monica’s friend.

This is Rachel’s tattoo, the day she got it. Shouldn’t it be covered, or at least, gross and scabby? Yes, of course. She should also be applying the salves and ointments liberally.

So, when Joey left Chandler’s apartment, the furniture he had just bought was removed, to show that he was out. That, apparently, included the giant microwave. The giant microwave was Joey’s? I would have thought that it was Chandler’s, since he was the breadwinner.

The six-pack of Pilsner Urquell, apparently, is Chandler’s. This comes as no surprise. He may even plan to drink it at room temperature, like they do in the Czech Republic. Or maybe he just hasn’t gotten around to putting it in the fridge, yet.

Our friends aren’t the only ones who spend a lot of time at Central Perk. Apparently, Mr. Ponytail needs his regular dosage of Gunther as well. I don’t know if the show recycles its extras like this. I just noticed this guy because of his ponytail, and then I recognized him in a later episode. He’s wearing a similar, but not quite the same shirt, too.

Speaking of which, Joey had a lengthy conversation with Gunther. This marks his second episode in which he had lines.

Interesting piece of Friends prehistory—Monica went to her prom with Donkeylips from Salute Your Shorts.

I was going to stop making fun of what characters were wearing. I mean that gets a little stale after a while, right?

Yeah, well, the guy who Joey gets his new apartment from was having a party and decided that this was the shirt that all of his friends and colleagues should see him in.